Of Deatheaters, A Truck , And Gildery Lockhart
by Dia
Summary: When you put those 3 together, what do you get? I'm not going to title this slash, because it seems everyone, in humor, makes Voldemort gay one way or another. Though, there is a lot of jokes in here that can be considered nasty, nothing to worry about.


- I am having a slight problem with this non-slash series made up of song/ character monologue. This is  
a strange humor filled ( I hope) story, this contains :: sings off-key:: MY FAVORITE THINGS! Deatheaters  
and slash ( though, it seems that everyone makes Voldie gay, so does it have to be considered slash?)  
Hope some of ya' enjoy 'dis!  
----------------------------------------------Dia presents to you  
----------------------------------------------Of Deatheaters, Chevy Pick-Up Trucks, and Gilderoy Lockhart  
  
-It was one of those days that evrything seemed to simply put it, screw up for Lucius Malfoy. First of all,  
Draco seemed to be going through something that seemed like male PMS. Narcissa decided to be   
like Madonna during the time of her 'Erotica' album, so he couldn't walk into Malfoy Manor without coming  
out, looking like he just saw Molly Weasley stripping. Last of all, he was sitting uncomfortably in a passenger  
seat in a old Chevy pick-up truck that was supposed to hold only 5 occupants and was holding 8 at the   
moment. Those occupants were: Voldemort, Pettigrew, himdelf, Macnair, Avery, Crabbe ( adult), Goyle (Adult),  
and their hostage Gilderoy Lockhart.  
  
-Voldemort, his beloved master, was at the wheel and was doing a pretty good job at it( remember, Lucius is  
a wizard that doesn't know anything about muggles, other than that they're filthy. Such as, how a car should be   
driven.) Macnair was sitting between himself and his master, and wierdly Lucius was not happy about it. In the   
back, Avery was behind him complaining about some muggle girls show, typical of him Lucius though to   
himself. Goyle was next to Avery grunting about his son being accused of being in live with Crabbe's son, which  
Lucius didn't find surprising. Crabbe was doing the same thing as Goyle, but vice versa. Pettigrew sat behind  
the master, talking to Lockhart about...mascara?? Gilderoy Lockhart was tied on the top of the Chevy's roof  
and was talking to them through the ' sun roof' (which was actually the result of the master's wand backfiring   
during the makings of a curse, causing a rectangular hole in the roof.)  
  
-All conversation was at minimum and it was kept civil until they reached a certain red light.  
  
-"Damn red light, it's sorta' like connect the dots with these things," the master mumbled. Lucius couldn't quite  
grasp how his master could be so patient with muggle made things. He would've exploded an half an hour ago.  
  
-"I forgot to ask, but where are we going?" Lucius asked. Being one of the only intelligent paople in the truck.  
  
-" To the drug store to buy me some more vi-" The master cut himself short and then continued, " To drop our  
dearest Gilderoy off at 'Barney the Broadway Production'."  
  
-"Oh, how splendid! I remember 8 years ago when the first one came on. Muggles are so ingenious!" Lockhart   
cheerfully chanted. The question ' Is that guy ever depressed?' went through many of the deatheater's heads at   
that moment.  
  
-"Shut up you bumbling idiot ::sniff:: muggles are ::sniff:: by far, not ::sniff:: ingenious::sniff::" Avery grumbled,   
sniffing like Quirrel did stuttering.  
  
-"Oh yes, your name is Avery, isn't it? I seen that name somewhere on muggle television.." Gilderoy trailed off.  
Lucius was hoping that the master would get the ceiling repaired as fast as possible if they kept having to tie  
their annoying hostages on the roof.  
  
-Avery stood up arubtly, almost hitting his head on Lockhart's head, and yelled out, " SHUT UP! ::sniff:: I AM  
NOT A GIRL! ::sniff:: I'm not one of those Ayakashi sisters::sniff::...I dont' carry around a whip, I carry around a   
chain!::sniff:: I don't where my hair in a bun ::sniff:: stop making fun of me..::sniff:: I just want to be loved.."  
::starts singing a SailorMoon dubb song::  
  
-The occupants not realising that the light just recently turned gree, were startled at the sudden jerk of the truck.  
  
-"Are we there yet?" Gilderoy asked in a whiny voice Lucius could only tolerate from Draco.  
  
-"NO!" Voldemort and co. cried out simultaneously.  
  
-" Luci, would you like to snuggle with me?" Macnair addressed Lucius. The master glared at Macnair before   
turning his gaze back to highway.  
  
-"No," Lucius answered, wondering what happened when he was drunk last night..  
  
-" Then would you like to schnoogle with me? I can easily get you in the mood for it.." Macnair said teasingly  
while climbing up on Lucius's lap and kissed him passionately.  
  
-The truck stopped with a jerk and an enraged Voldemort turned to see Macnair kissing 'his' Lucius   
passionately.   
  
-" YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!!" Voldemort yelled out, giving himself a boost to give a very powerful leap at   
a ' busy' Macnair. Unfortantly, his foot hit the gas petal.  
  
-The car went balistic. Speeding off uncontrollably down the highway, causing pile-ups in it's wake, with a  
terrified Pettigrew trying todesperately control it. Various screams of ' WE'RE ALL GONNA' DIE!''I'M GOING  
TO KILL YOU!"Luci, you are quite good with your tonque..''mmmhhhmm..''WORLD SHAKING!'' Crabbe, I love   
you...' ' I love you too, my Goyley Oiley..' and 'YIPPEE! This is just like a muggle roller coaster!'.  
  
-All of the sudden, and miracalously. The car ran out of gas.  
  
- All action stopped, and everyone sat back down, doing breathing excercises.  
  
-" Lucius, would you and Draco come over to my manor tonight. I have some..things I want to show you," Macnair   
asked, breaking the forbidden silence.  
  
-" That may be a good idea-" Lucius started, but was interupted by Voldemort.  
  
-"HE'S MINE, I TELL YOU! ALL MINE!" Voldemort yelled , grabbing Lucius possessively and placing him in  
his lap.  
  
-And then, two loud moans were heard, coming from the backseat.  
  
-" Goyle..you are so muscular.."  
  
-" mmhh...ahhh...you..too. my Crabby Wabby.."  
  
-Ignoring them, Voldemort desperately tried to start the truck ( he didn't know it ran out of gas, being to busy with  
the fact that Macnair 'disillusioned' Lucius) with a dazed Lucius on his lap, a pouting Macnair in the passenger   
seat, Avery singing 'Moonlight Densestu' ( Yes, another Sailor Moon song.) Gilderoy Lockhart talking to his   
imahinary friend named ' Micheal Jackson', Pettigrew wishing that the master would love him, and Crabbe and  
Goyle mysteriously disappeared.  
  
-After 5 hours of an intense silence, with exceprion of a few moans coming from the backseat. An annoying voice  
rang into the deatheater's ears.  
  
-"Are we there yet?"  
  
-"NO!"  
_____________________________________________________________________________________  
  
I know that wasn't very good, but I tried! I didn't win the student council election, all the preps won ::growls::. Avery  
is the dubb name of a Sailor Moon (female) villain that is very vain and bitchy. Voldemort and Lucius belong to   
eachother. Avery is owned by Naoko Takeuchi ( Deatheater Avery: STOP BEING MEAN TO ME!! ::sniff::) and  
the rest belong to J.K Rowling! My father just got done yelling at me for the most pointless thing ( nothing unusual   
here) and I am really unsure about these 2 fics that I have, I don't know if I want to post them on ff.n. They're slash  
but I will only post them if some people request them. They're called ' Elusive Euphoria' and ' Watching You From  
Afar'. Well, g2g, Ciao! ( Oh, and ' World Shaking' is a Sailor Uranus attack)  
  
~*Dia*~  



End file.
